


holy love

by LiquifyingOcelot



Category: Metal Gear
Genre: Anal Sex, Blood, Broken Bones, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Guilt, Guns, Humiliation, Implied necrophilia, M/M, Mental Instability, Rape, Sexual Abuse, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-28
Updated: 2014-11-28
Packaged: 2018-02-27 08:46:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2686574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LiquifyingOcelot/pseuds/LiquifyingOcelot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is what you are to me.</p>
            </blockquote>





	holy love

**Author's Note:**

> splatter me on the floor @ l-iquidocelot.tumblr.com

Big Boss held the gun to Ocelot's chest. 

He could practically feel Ocelot's heart racing through the vibrations of his gun, he could feel him tensing, his body fighting the urge to run- to defend himself- to do anything but stand there and let Big Boss put him down like a dog. 

"Down. On the ground. Now." 

His voice was dangerous and low- the gun prodding into his ribs. Ocelot looked at him, his eyes as wide as they'd ever been- a look of pain and confusion on his face, and yet- he knew exactly why this was happening. Big Boss hadn't been the same since Kaz had run from him. Them. He searched Big Boss' face for some kind of answer- some flash of mercy, or familiarity, and found none. He did as he was told, kneeling slowly, keeping his eyes on the gun barrel following him down. 

"Boss-" Ocelot said, quietly- but even that syllable leaving his lips earned him a gun-laden smack to the face, knocking him onto his side onto the hard concrete floor, a new gash across his cheek colored in pink. Big Boss returned the gun's aim to its target- Ocelot's head. Ocelot could almost see him glowing, his eyes alight with something more than anger. 

"Ocelot, now is not the time to hide your betrayal." Big Boss stepped closer to him. Ocelot was wide-eyed, staring up at him. 

"I never betrayed you. I could never betray you, Boss, you-" his voice was lost with a kick straight into his gut- he felt the urge to vomit, Boss had kicked him so hard- he wound around himself even tighter, but Big Boss wouldn't allow it, holstering his gun quickly, and working Ocelot back into a position where he was prone and unguarded.

"You'd never betray me. How many times have I heard that from you?" Big Boss now had the knife out- CQC could be such a beautiful thing when he used it.

"I'll tell you as many times as I need to, Boss. As many times as I can. All I live for is you. Please believe me."

Ocelot desperately tried to get his hands on John in some way- in some way where he could express that he really meant what he said and that all he'd ever wanted to do was be there- all he'd ever wanted was Big Boss, but he found his efforts wasted when Big Boss moved to slash at him- catching his shoulder and tearing his shirt. He yelped in pain, as the blood gathered into the cloth. 

"How am I supposed to believe you? I can't believe anything else that comes out of your mouth- so why should I believe you now? Or don't you remember giving me the wrong intel- and don't you dare tell me that that was an accident." 

Ocelot clutched his shoulder. He was terrified. He was trying to fix something that had already broken right in half, and splintered into pieces. He pled with him, silently. He couldn't say anything, but the pain and the fear and his confusion- his overwhelming worship of the man threatening to kill him- it culminated in fresh tears welling up in his eyes. 

"I gave you what I knew. I couldn't know any more- please, Boss- I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." 

Ocelot choked as Big Boss grabbed and twisted at his shirt collar. He pulled Ocelot's face closer to his own- Ocelot, younger, flustered, and Big Boss on the verge of completely losing his mind. 

"I am not about to believe your bullshit." he hissed, "Is this why you've followed me around all these years? To wait until I had something you wanted so you could take it for yourself?"

Ocelot pushed against him with a cry of frustration. He could barely stand the suffocating grip- the accusations flowing forth, it all hurt him so badly- it shattered his heart to hear him talk about him this way. Like he was scheming, like Big Boss didn't truly matter to him, that his love- his life- had culminated in some attempt to wrong the man he'd fallen so deeply for. 

"I am loyal to you. I will always be loyal to you." he insisted. "John-" 

Ocelot immediately regretted using his name. Sure enough, the gun was in his mouth, nearly knocking out a few teeth in the process of getting there. 

"Don't you dare say that name again. I will splatter you all over this floor, do you understand me?" 

He choked on the gun as he nodded a 'yes, sir'. His throat stung sharply as it was removed with the same kind of vigor. He whined in pain. He let it get to him. The accusations, the hurt, the anger- the pain, welling up not just on his skin, but through his gut and down his throat. 

"Either you're going to admit your deceit, or your failure- or I am going to tear you apart piece by piece and make sure you're still kicking while I do it." Big Boss spat- and Ocelot, pinned to the floor, his body unable to bear the weight of the both of them, his face wet with tears and now blood- started to cry in earnest. 

"I failed you, Boss." he said, quietly, between sobs. 

"What was that?" 

"I- failed you, Boss." Ocelot said, his voice raising in volume, making it harder to choke back the sobs as well. Nothing was said for a while- almost minutes passing by with no word from either of them, leaving Ocelot to suffer in silence, letting him listen to himself cry- listening to his own, gasping breaths and his whines- whimpers, his hard panting. He cried until he felt like he might choke. Big Boss lifted himself off of Ocelot, and stood, leaving the younger man on the floor, splayed out and bloodied, crying and trying to tend to his wounds as best as he could manage, like a beaten animal. 

"Lie down flat on your stomach." Snake ordered. Ocelot complied, dragging his body into the position he'd been commanded into. He hurt. Emotionally, physically, mentally. 

"I have a hard time believing that someone as competent as you could fuck up as badly as you did-" 

Ocelot heard him coming closer, saw one foot rising past the point where he could see- and then felt the weight of Big Boss' steel-toed combat boot on his spine, pressing down. He made something of a strained noise- the weight pushing down on his lungs just enough to make it uncomfortable. 

"Tell me, Ocelot- are you still lying to me? Or have I made a mistake in assuming you were competent?" 

He pressed down harder, straining Ocelot's spine, keeping him pinned to the floor. 

"I- didn't…lie…" Ocelot groaned, struggling beneath him. 

"So, you're incompetent." 

Ocelot was speechless, caught in another round of quiet, broken sobs onto the floor. His thoughts were in disarray- a repeating cadence of why would you do this to me? and I'm so stupid. 

"I want to hear it from your mouth. I'm going to have to assume you're lying to me otherwise." Big Boss meant it. He didn't have to see to know that Big Boss had the gun pointed at the back of his head- his heart was racing. The smell of cigar smoke drifted across his senses.

He said it. Through his cracked lips, it all came spilling out, just the way Big Boss had hoped it would. 

"I was- incompetent." he admitted, shaking. "I didn't mean to disappoint you, sir, I-" 

And then that boot came crashing into his ribs, and he cried out- he knew at least one of them had to be broken. At least one. And he deserved it, he- 

"It's all right, Adam…" 

Big Boss stooped to his level, while he cradled himself on the floor, grabbing at his wounded side, trying to ease the pain of his fractured- if not snapped- rib, somehow. Big Boss pulled him up to look at him by his hair, gathering it up in his large fist and tangling it between his fingers.

"You don't need to be competent." 

Ocelot blinked at him in confusion. Big Boss was smiling that wicked, devil's smile down at him, complete with a gaze that said I'm going to pull you into hell with me starting right now. The glow from the cigar between his lips only seemed to highlight his most- demonic features. The patch over his missing eye, the fractured metal in his skull. 

"You don't need to know much to suck cock, after all." the words flowed from Big Boss' tongue like honey. Honey that a younger, more naive Ocelot would have died just to taste. Those words that would have excited him- he would have ignored their context- he would have ignored the fact that Big Boss had just forced him to call himself stupid and prostrate himself and start nursing the heat spreading through his cock. 

"Come on, that's enough groveling. On your knees." 

Ocelot tried. He scraped himself up off of the floor, his pained body feeling like he'd been hit by a moving vehicle. He was unsteady, trying to lift himself in such a way that didn't aggravate his pain, which was nearly impossible. Once he was there, however, he found himself balancing between pain and comfort, the position straightening his spine, but putting pressure on his bones- his bruised knees and his aching hips. 

"Boss-" he whimpered, shifting to find a more comfortable position. 

"Do you know why I've kept you around for so long?" Big Boss asked, blowing smoke into his face with the kind of enjoyment that a young boy might get from spraying a cat with a water bottle. Only in this case, there was no yowling and climbing the furniture. Ocelot had to stay, and take the smoke- trying to wince his eyes shut as not to let it irritate them. 

"Go ahead. Give me your best guess, Adamska. I want to hear what excuse you think you have for your position." he pulled the cigar from his lips, and tapped some of the ash onto the floor, right in front of Ocelot's nose. 

"I- thought I- was-" 

Everything Ocelot wanted to say sounded incredibly stupid when he thought about it. I thought you liked me. I thought you might want to be close to me. I thought I was helping you. I thought- I thought- 

Ocelot bit his lip, and said nothing more. This didn't sit well with his Boss, who approached him with the burning end of his cigar, his intentions very clear. 

"I don't want to have to hurt you again. Out with it." 

"I thought- you gave me the position so that I could help you better." Ocelot said, weakly, his face towards the ground, his cheeks wet, bloodied.

Big Boss hadn't laughed at him like that since- since he was practically still a child. Ocelot balled his fists, fighting back more tears. He didn't cry, not ever, but this was his one and only love- his obsession- Big Boss had to be in the right- but at the same time, he was struggling with the pain. His heart was pounding. He wanted to die right then and there. 

"You did, did you? Let me tell you something, Adam-" 

He kept using his name and

he kept using his real name and

Ocelot wanted to clasp his hands over his ears and forget he'd ever had a name- with the way Big Boss said it- like it was a filthy word, a curse, garbage. 

"- you're here, because ever since you were a little teenage fuck up, you've been ready and willing to do anything I asked." 

Ocelot looked up at him from his position, only to find that Big Boss had directed his gaze elsewhere. 

"I know for a fact that the first cock you sucked was mine. I know that I was the first one to fuck you. And even though you were a virgin- even though you didn't even know what I wanted with you, you gave both of them up to me- freely. Because- what? Because you were impressed?" 

Ocelot wanted to die. 

He was breathing hard, the tension was inescapable- what he wouldn't give for his situation to be some kind of waking nightmare. He loved Big Boss. That's all there was to it. Don't you care about me at all? The tears had started pouring again, and he looked towards the floor, watching them trickle and burst onto the floor. 

"Nothing changed. I still had you awaiting my every whim. I kept you in a good position because I knew if I kept you bedded and amused and gave you a little room to stroke your ego, that you'd keep letting me fuck you. You're lucky you grew up to be just as pretty." 

Big Boss chuckled, darkly. 

"I didn't even have to jack off. Not when I knew I could use your mouth whenever I wanted to- and I did use it, didn't I?" 

Ocelot felt so childish- he felt so lost next to Big Boss, his idol, not knowing what to think or say as he systematically tore his world down around him. That couldn't be true. Big Boss couldn't have been using him just for that all these years. He'd risked his life for Big Boss- he was always risking his life for Big Boss- risking everything he'd ever had and more and to hear him say that it meant nothing? That he was just a convenient fuck? Useless? Stupid? 

Ocelot finally made a motion to slump to the floor. He couldn't stand it. His hands came up over his head as if to protect himself from any oncoming blows to the head he was about to receive- his whole self curling up defensively- trying to hide within himself. 

"What's wrong, Adam? You don't like that answer?" 

Big Boss approached him, but let him have his little breakdown with no intervention. It was best to let him embarrass himself, Big Boss had thought, than to work to embarrass him. Ocelot didn't like to feel like he was out of control- or that he was being too emotional, and watching him trying to block everything out like this, like a child- listening to him sobbing quietly into himself- that was humiliation enough. 

He spoke. Because if he didn't speak now, he didn't know when he'd have the courage to speak again. 

"I- I love you-" 

Ocelot looked up at him, a pitiful display of tears, his body struggling to take in air. He was shaking, desperate.

"Did you think that I loved you too?" 

Ocelot broke very visibly. First, he stilled, and then he simply let himself lie there. He didn't want to say a thing. Not a thing. He thought about dying. He thought about what it would take to get Big Boss to kill him. What he'd have to do to get a gun or a knife or something and just stop now- to stop while he still had warm memories of John left in him. 

This was worse than torture. Torture, he could withstand. What was killing him was losing his motivation to withstand anything. 

He'd never expected Big Boss to say he loved him. He didn't need that. But Big Boss had phrased it like it was unthinkable. Like he'd never even thought to care about Ocelot- like the idea alone was laughable. 

"Do you understand now, Adam? Your betrayal of me would be meaningless. I would lose nothing if I lost you. Nothing but an incompetent, sadistic little cocksucker." 

"I understand." Ocelot echoed, blankly. 

"Do you know where you belong, now?" 

Ocelot responded with a sound that vaguely passed as a question. He heard the zipper of Big Boss' pants sliding down, and soon he felt those hands tangled up in his hair, again. 

He found himself with Big Boss' cock in his face, a sight not unfamiliar, but not a sight he wanted to see- not now. He foolishly turned away, but Big Boss held him steady- part of Ocelot wondered how he'd gotten so hard- but then again, he hadn't been paying attention. 

"On your knees, sucking my cock." 

He forced Ocelot's mouth open, and forced his cock inside. Ocelot still had tears wetting his cheeks- and it made for a pretty sight. Snake groaned, as he pushed himself in as deep as he could go, holding Ocelot still until he choked, and then pulling back and pushing in deeply again. 

"That's it- that's exactly what I want from you. Let me fuck your throat." 

Ocelot didn't outright fight him, but he hated it. For every second, he hated it. He hated the way Big Boss would push his cock so far back he'd gag and the bile would stir in his stomach. He hated the way Big Boss' cock was too large for his mouth, let alone his throat. He hated himself. He remembered sucking Big Boss off so eagerly before- and even that was starting to feel like it hadn't been real at all. All of Big Boss' attention and passion and the fact that Ocelot had been so satisfied just to interact with him- all of it seemed useless. The sex. Big Boss' body pressed against him in the morning with an arm wrapped around his waist like he was trying to keep Ocelot from being stolen away from him. 

There were times when he'd risked everything for this man. Whole countries. His life, and the lives of countless others- just because Big Boss had a dream and he wanted to fulfill it with him. 

Big Boss moaned above him, pushing faster and harder. Ocelot whimpered around his cock. Maybe if he could just do this- maybe if he could just make his Boss happy, he thought. Maybe. 

"You're still doing so good. Sticking to what you know, hm? Fuck-" 

Big Boss pulled his cock out of Ocelot's mouth, covered in so much spit. Ocelot coughed, and then retched. Big Boss pulled him to his crotch again, practically pushing Ocelot's mouth onto his balls, his nose buried in the dark, coarse hair of his pelvis. 

"Suck." he ordered, pushing him closer. 

Ocelot hesitated, but it didn't matter, soon enough, he was forced to do it- Big Boss' hand on the back of his head, the other stroking his soaking wet cock. He groaned at the feeling of a warm tongue and a wet mouth suckling on his balls- trying so hard to please him. It sent chills up his spine as he heard Ocelot complain, whining quietly. Ocelot pulled away, gasping for air, only to have Big Boss' fingers in his mouth, almost as a placeholder for his cock. 

"You know this part. Get 'em wet." 

Ocelot- in a sudden moment of pride, snarled up at him, his teeth digging into his fingers, not hard enough to account for a bite, but enough to stop him from jamming his fingers any deeper into his throat. Big Boss pulled his hand away from his mouth, and knocked Ocelot onto the ground with a roar. 

"I'm trying to make it good for you-" Big Boss was too physically strong for Ocelot to fight off- he was barely even trying, almost giving up as soon as Big Boss tore his shirt. His clothes were nothing- he was nothing. Part of him wanted to lay there, to let Big Boss do what he wanted and then find a way to get out of here- somehow. 

Big Boss wouldn't miss him. What was the point? But he wanted to stay. He wanted to stay. He whimpered as Big Boss tore his pants down, and off, and even then, he tried to fight as he was turned onto his stomach, the bruises, the gashes and scrapes and footprints evident on his back. He was kept meticulously smooth- and what little hair he did have passed for soft, blonde 'peach fuzz'. It was what Big Boss liked. He didn't know why he was fighting. It was instinctual. All of him was for Big Boss, and yet- he couldn't just let him take it all like this, damn it. 

"But it doesn't have to be good for you." 

Big Boss began to work his fingers into him- but Ocelot was much too tense. He tensed up even further as he cried out in frustration. 

"Enough! That's enough!" 

Ocelot panted, his throat already feeling hoarse from his tears, and now, his outburst. He could hardly believe his own words. But he meant them. He wanted this to stop. This had gone far enough. 

Big Boss stopped what he was doing, and fell silent. For a moment, Ocelot thought that his words might have worked, but then Big Boss clasped a hand over Ocelot's mouth, and rubbed his cock against his ass. 

"You love my fucking prick. Don't you even dare tell me you don't want it." 

Big Boss smirked as he guided his cock against the hole he'd been waiting to fuck- Ocelot whimpered and sobbed into his hand. 

"Take it…" he urged, pushing against his entrance until it started to give. Ocelot wailed into his hand, while Big Boss only groaned with pleasure. "…you're so fucking tight." he murmured, pushing his way inside, deeper- until he could get his cock buried to the hilt inside of him.

Big Boss seemed to be pleasured beyond pleasure- his groans and murmurs growing in intensity as he started thrusting, slowly, Ocelot's body shaking beneath him. 

"It's about time you learned your place." The hand from Ocelot's mouth went to the back of his neck, pushing his face onto the ground, and nearly choking him in the process. "You exist to make my cock feel good- you exist as a mere fuck toy, and when and if you lose your appeal, or if you decide to leave- I will not fucking miss you. Understand? This is me being nice to you." 

He left Ocelot to ponder his words, returning both of his hands to his hips, helping himself fuck. Ocelot was gone, regardless, lost in his own personal agony- he could withstand the pain, but not the sense of betrayal winding up in his stomach. He groaned, as Big Boss continued to fuck him, harder, shoving his cock in deep and claiming him- 

he'd never wanted to hate this as badly as he did now. He wanted to belong to Big Boss- just- not like this- and it hurt so bad, and the thoughts tormenting him only became more agonizing. He couldn't help his body's reactions- not the shivering, or the straining, and when he realized he was aroused- he almost burst into tears again. No. That wasn't supposed to happen. This wasn't supposed to turn him on. 

But it was Big Boss, and he knew just where Ocelot liked to be fucked- what angle suited him- all the places he could rut his cock into to make Ocelot cry out until he came. He tried to hide it- but it wasn't long before Big Boss was chuckling in his ear, hot, and making him feel a rush of pleasure he never wanted. 

"Even your body knows better than to fight it. You can squirm and cry all you want, but I know this is- exactly- what you want. Stupid whore." Big Boss groaned, pushing into him- forcing it in deep- biting at his shoulder again, the nape of his neck, making Ocelot arch his back and moan. 

He gave up. 

He buried his head in his arms and let Big Boss fuck him- trying to get some kind of pleasure or familiarity out of it. Trying to think back to his first time with John, trying to think of how charmingly awkward they'd both been- the height of their passions marked with Ocelot starting to tear up- which led to him crying- which led to Big Boss trying everything in his power to figure out what had gone wrong, when it was nothing- just his emotions culminating together and making him feel more embarrassed by the second. Does it hurt? Did I hurt you? What's the matter? Are you sick? Should I get Paramedic?

Currently, Ocelot was simpering into the crook of his elbow, Big Boss fucking him like a rag doll, carelessly, moaning at any signs of his resistance. It seemed like the more Ocelot tried to fight him, the more pleasure he got, fucking him punishingly hard back into submission. 

"You're loving it, aren't you?" Big Boss told him, slapping his ass, then reaching his hand around giving Ocelot's cock a teasing stroke. Ocelot whimpered with forbidden need, feeling ashamed- feeling like he'd lost control- now, and from then on. 

Big Boss was on him, pushing his face to the floor, and holding him steady as his thrusts became erratic. 

"This is what you're for. To make me cum." 

One hand was on Ocelot's hip, the other, on the back of his head, pushing him down. He was groaning- close, so close- 

He came with a jerk of his hips, and an inhuman roar, drawing Ocelot tight against him. Ocelot came directly after he did, even though his mind was telling him how wrong it was- how maybe, if he wasn't so useless, he could resist- even though it wasn't his fault, but it was his fault- it had to be.

Big Boss pulled out immediately, standing up, and zipping his pants. 

"Are you going to fuck up again?" he asked the figure on the floor in front of him- the one struggling to even use his legs- cum dripping from his used ass. He struggled to look at Big Boss as he addressed him, tried to at least show him- the blood on his face, the battered fingerprints around his neck. 

"No." he said, straining. Like a fawn trying to stand for the first time, he picked himself up, only to have Big Boss' boot in his side again. 

"Do you see what you mean to me now?" Big Boss had kicked him over onto his back, and he howled at the pain of his sensitive new wounds touching the floor. Big Boss took the scream as a yes, and stepped back. 

"If you'd like to stop being useless, you'll start by not breathing a fucking word about this to anyone. Not your unit, not whoever you've been communicating with." 

"Yes- sir." Ocelot had stopped trying to stand at all, realizing he wasn't going to get anywhere. He just laid there, breathing. Big Boss walked over to him once more, his boots beside Ocelot's head. Ocelot did, and said nothing- just accepted the almost-gentle push of Snake's boot against his cheek as he tilted his head along with it. 

"If I hear even one thing- next time?" Big Boss pushed down on him, ever so slightly. 

"I'll be fucking your corpse."


End file.
